Wait for the Ring

WHY WAIT
 
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BONDING

Do you want to have a great love affair, a love affair that lasts a lifetime? Do you want to have a lifelong love with great sex, for as long as you both shall live? Do you want a husband or wife who is faithful for life… for their whole life, before you even met them? Do you want to marry your soul mate?

 

You CAN have a relationship like this.

 

Have you ever heard the phrase you always remember your first time? Have you ever wondered why that is true? It’s the chemistry!! There are chemicals and hormones that are released during sexual stimulation that cause bonding to occur, a kind of emotional super-glue. The hormone oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone. It has been known for some time that this hormone is released during labor and delivery and nursing, when a mother breast feeds her infant. It causes the mother to bond to her child.  We now know this hormone is also released during sexual arousal and causes a bond to form between the man and woman. The hormone is enhanced by estrogen, so the emotional bond is often stronger in women, and breakups are commonly more difficult for women. There are other brain chemicals like vasopressin and dopamine that also play a roll in bonding of men and women. Once there is sexual arousal  there is bonding. It doesn’t have to be intercourse. After just 20 seconds of touching oxytocin begins to flow, a 20 second hug or kiss can get the bonding process started.

 

Teen relationships generally last a few weeks to a few months. In couples who have been sexually active the chemical bonding has occurred. When they break up the emotional damage can be devastating and last a life time. If a bond is broken repeatedly, from several relationships, pretty soon the ability to bond altogether may be lost. It's like trying to reuse a piece of tape, it just doesn't stick. Unfortunately, this happens all too often. An oxytocin high can have an addictive effect. When one relationship ends there is a search for another partner to repeat that bonded feeling, but the attachment to the prior partner doesn’t go away.  You may go from partner to partner trying to get that feeling again. 

 

It doesn’t have to be that way. We can have lasting, bonded relationships. How does a lifelong, bonded relationship form? An emotional and relational connectedness between two individuals must occur before physical intimacy. If you want a soul mate you have to get to know the heart and soul. Talking, communication, getting to know each other takes time. You can’t rush the emotional for the physical. Sex is more than just a physical act, it effects the whole person, emotional, spiritual and physical.

 

There is a 12 step process, described by Dr. Donald Joy, through which all human couple relationships must pass to achieve bonding. Bonding takes time. If any steps are missed the bonding is weak and is at greater risk for breaking. If there is any physical intimacy before stage seven the bond will be at greater risk for breaking. Step seven is also the last exit before intimacy. This means that if the relationship is not a lifelong commitment it should not move beyond step seven. Any breakup after this step will cause damage. It is especially difficult to break a relationship after step 10 has occurred. When a relationship ends, the tendency is to begin the next relationship at the step where the last one ended. If you have been hooking up and don't understand why your partner won't commit to a relationship it may be because you skipped the relationship building steps.

                

The 12 steps of Human Pair Bonding are:

 

Love     Bonding

 

Eros     1. Eye to Body             Infatuation

                2. Eye to Eye

       3. Voice to Voice

Philia              4. Hand to Hand              Leave Parents

                          5. Arm to Shoulder

                            6. Arm to Waist

Storge                    7. Face to Face                    Cling to each other

                                 8. Hand to Head

                                    9. Hand to Body

Agape                          10. Mouth to Breast                  Naked & Unashamed

                                       11. Hand to Genitals 

                                         12. Genital to Genital          

 

There are four types of love that correspond to the steps of bonding. The four types of love are:

Eros is infatuation; it is the mountain top feeling of new love, the total obsession with the beloved. Infatuation doesn’t last but may lead to deeper love.

Philea is friendship love. You get to know the other persons thoughts, dreams and goals in life. This is where you bare your heart and mind to one another. Sometimes this is harder to do than bare your body.

Storge is familial love. It is a deep caring and concern for the other person. This is the stage where you vow to be there for the other person, when you promise to help each other.

Agape is the love that is past feeling. It is a commitment, a decision, a matter of will, a promise to be kept for life.

 

In English there is only one word for love, but in Greek there are four. These are Greek words for love that are taken from the Bible. The Bible is God’s word to us. God created mankind, God created marriage and God created sex. God has a plan for relationships that is far better than the shallow, unfulfilling, physical relationships that are common today. It’s called marriage. Sex is designed to be for oneness in marriage, two become one. Sex is meant to join a couple together spiritually, emotionally as well as physically. God has a better plan; He is the provider and protector. His plan provides the lifelong love and the best sex and protects from harmful effects of sex outside the boundaries of His protection. 

 

 If you can say NO to sex now, you will be free to say YES to a future relationship that can be bonded for life.

 

This is why you should Wait for Sex.

 

 Joy, Dr. Donald, Bonding, Relationships in the Image of God, Evangel Publishing House,1999